Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Consumed with Me

I worry. A LOT. Probably more than the average person. Definitely more than I should.

For some reason over the last year I've been worried about my heart. Even had several tests to prove I'm ok.

People saying "Just let it go" or "You'll be ok" are just words. Words that make me angry sometimes even though I know they're trying to be nice.

Last month. I was overcome. Every day. All day. I got so sick of worrying, I began to cry at night and beg God to take the worry away. But, it was always back. Nothing helped.

Monday I went to my doctor. I talked to her about it and between us we decided anti depressants were in order. I have taken them on and off. But not some before I got pregnant.

Just taking that little round blue pill today gave me relief. I'm not saying that the worry is completely gone, but I do think I'm on the road to peace.

What I learned over the last month is that no one truly understands panic attacks and consuming worry until you're in it. And even then, they can't really help.

I also learned we have GOT to let go of this stigma on anti depressants and anxiety meds. Just because you need them doesn't mean you're crazy. I mean, I AM crazy, but you aren't.

But, above all I realized I NEVER want to feel like that again. I really hope this is my road to peace, and that things go back to my normal crazy.


Monday, May 1, 2017

The Day I Lost My Son

I think back to this day often.  I was sitting in a Nurse Practitioner's office,  and we were having our yearly checkup. Up to this point,  I'd been in denial about anything and everything.

And then here comes reality, full on, barreling in my face.

She said "Something this WRONG with him.  You need to have him checked developmentally. "

I held it together until I got in the car.  He was crying from an already traumatic experience (Three nurses held him down on the bed for shots) and I wasn't going to add to that.  But as soon as I got in the car,  I turned the radio up,  and I cried.

I cried for the loss of what I always dreamed I'd have with my child. Him saying mama. Saying I love you.  Being excited for Christmas and Birthdays. First Movie.  First day of school.  Biweekly trips to the Barber Shop with dad. Aquarium trips. Eating dinner as a family.

I cried because I knew that while I would still get most of those things,  they would not be how most parents get them. We would not have all the firsts I'd been looking forward to. Not the way my other Mom friends did.

But, what I didn't know that day was that he was about about to take me on the journey of a lifetime.  He was going to teach me about Grace, humility,  karma, love, respect and forgiveness.  In ways that I'd never seen.

He was going to heal hurts from years past. He was going to make me look forward to every day.  He was going to show me that no matter what,  he was going to do what people thought he couldn't.

We still have a long way to go,  but every day with him is different.

I said goodbye that day to the son I'd always had in my head, and said hello to the most amazing child you could ever wish to meet.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Here Comes Peter Cottontail..

This year I'd been dreading Easter like never before.  I knew we couldn't attempt Church, and it was making me sad, once again,  not to be 'part of'. Everyone seems to have an outside family; church, friends, work, etc.  But being the Mom of Creighton means we do things differently,  and I have tiny circles.

This year,  I knew I had to create my child's Easter  just like I would anything else.  So, I planned with a local friend to hunt lighted eggs at night,  not one time,  but twice. He had the grandest time,  too. He's been saying ''egg'' all weekend.

His BeBe came to visit him and we went to eat on the Square.  She also got to watch him hunt eggs, too.

And on Sunday, well, that day we spent as a family.  We blew bubbles, played shape eggs, read books, and ate lots of candy.

We also went to see Gee, she wasn't in the best of moods, but he still had a small hunt.

Overall, this was the BEST Easter we've had so far.  There were no special clothes or shoes this year,  there was a lot of stuff from Bunny, which maybe got judgement from other moms, but at the end of the day he went to bed happy, and with mostly awesome memories.  That's all that matters.

So,  Peter, you come back to see us again next year.  We'll be ready.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Curse you, Publix!

One night this week we had gone through our regular bedtime routine, (Boo-k and singing  'Creighton loves mommy, mommy loves Creighton,  Creighton 's gonna TAKE A NAP')

Creighton was asleep and  I was lying in the bed TRYING to sleep,  but I kept hearing this, well---*crawling* sound is the best way I can say it.

Me: "Don't freak out. It's just the fan blowing on something."

Other Me: "Oh my GOD it's a snake! It's a SNAKE!"

Me: "Calm DOWN!  It's not a snake. Just air blowing something around."

Other Me: "I don't know who you're trying to fool. There is a SNAKE about to crawl in your bed, and it's going to eat you slowly while you are posting about it on Facebook!"

Me: ...........

Other Me: "See. Told you.  Snake. Big giant Bertha about to come - -"

Me: "Jess! JESS!!  J.E.S.S"

Husband comes faithfully running back to the bedroom.  Asks what's wrong.

"There's something crawling on the floor by the bed. It might be a snake."

 Other Me: "It IS a snake."

 Jess turns on the light.  Looks around.

"You mean this?"

It's one of those free balloons attached to a card Publix gives away. Only this one is half deflated.

Other Me: "I TOLD you it wasn't a snake. Now he thinks we are crazy. "

Me: 😡😡😡😣😣😣

 Darn , you Publix. Darn you for giving my kid a balloon every time he goes.  Now he expects it. And they apparently make their way into MY bedroom where I convince myself there's a big Mama Cass snake about to crawl in my bed and devour me alive.

We'll be back in a few weeks for more balloon snakes 😉😉 #Publix #balloons #momhumor  #talkingtomyself

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Speech, Doctors and other normal things

Thought I'd try to start updating more and talking about my main focus---Autism.

Today was speech day. But, before that, I had an appointment in Mobile for followup after my Gallbladder surgery. So, Creighton was in the car ALL DAY. Plus, he had to go to speech.

For a typical ASD kid, this would not be good. For Creighton, it was ok today. I think, a lot due in part to the fact that my mother in law went with us and helped me watch him as much as she could.

When we got to speech, I told Debbie that he's been saying his letters when he sees them.  She, like his SLP that comes to the house with Early Intervention, was really impressed.

When they came out, she said he'd gone through about half the alphabet.

Tonight, he has been rolling balls everywhere. Just a normal night with Creighton.

I'm looking forward to this next journey. He's about to be three, and about to start school. It scares me, but excites me at the same time. He will also be starting preschool soon, we hope.

Signing off for the night.