Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Consumed with Me

I worry. A LOT. Probably more than the average person. Definitely more than I should.

For some reason over the last year I've been worried about my heart. Even had several tests to prove I'm ok.

People saying "Just let it go" or "You'll be ok" are just words. Words that make me angry sometimes even though I know they're trying to be nice.

Last month. I was overcome. Every day. All day. I got so sick of worrying, I began to cry at night and beg God to take the worry away. But, it was always back. Nothing helped.

Monday I went to my doctor. I talked to her about it and between us we decided anti depressants were in order. I have taken them on and off. But not some before I got pregnant.

Just taking that little round blue pill today gave me relief. I'm not saying that the worry is completely gone, but I do think I'm on the road to peace.

What I learned over the last month is that no one truly understands panic attacks and consuming worry until you're in it. And even then, they can't really help.

I also learned we have GOT to let go of this stigma on anti depressants and anxiety meds. Just because you need them doesn't mean you're crazy. I mean, I AM crazy, but you aren't.

But, above all I realized I NEVER want to feel like that again. I really hope this is my road to peace, and that things go back to my normal crazy.


Monday, May 1, 2017

The Day I Lost My Son

I think back to this day often.  I was sitting in a Nurse Practitioner's office,  and we were having our yearly checkup. Up to this point,  I'd been in denial about anything and everything.

And then here comes reality, full on, barreling in my face.

She said "Something this WRONG with him.  You need to have him checked developmentally. "

I held it together until I got in the car.  He was crying from an already traumatic experience (Three nurses held him down on the bed for shots) and I wasn't going to add to that.  But as soon as I got in the car,  I turned the radio up,  and I cried.

I cried for the loss of what I always dreamed I'd have with my child. Him saying mama. Saying I love you.  Being excited for Christmas and Birthdays. First Movie.  First day of school.  Biweekly trips to the Barber Shop with dad. Aquarium trips. Eating dinner as a family.

I cried because I knew that while I would still get most of those things,  they would not be how most parents get them. We would not have all the firsts I'd been looking forward to. Not the way my other Mom friends did.

But, what I didn't know that day was that he was about about to take me on the journey of a lifetime.  He was going to teach me about Grace, humility,  karma, love, respect and forgiveness.  In ways that I'd never seen.

He was going to heal hurts from years past. He was going to make me look forward to every day.  He was going to show me that no matter what,  he was going to do what people thought he couldn't.

We still have a long way to go,  but every day with him is different.

I said goodbye that day to the son I'd always had in my head, and said hello to the most amazing child you could ever wish to meet.